Not A Sermon

This morning around 2 I discovered our child had wet her bed.

I had been half-awake before that, listening to her noises. Bella laughs, grunts, and cries in her sleep. I rarely sleep deeply as it is, since I'm continuously paranoid about SIDS, so I've learned to listen for the difference between her sleeping and when she's awake and about to yell for attention. At that time I'll change and feed her for a bit before she's passed out again.

This time, I noticed her hands were cold. Well. I usually have her in long pajamas, and this time she was only in a short onesie and blanket, so that was on me. I grabbed her long kitten pjs, laid them out on the bed and picked her up. And found she was soaked from her back down.

Well, slight change of plans there. I changed her, gave her a quick sponge bath, and nursed her before putting her long johns on. Then it was the swing to rock her to sleep while I stripped and wiped down the crib mattress and remade it. About a half hour ago she was sound asleep and snuggled warmly in her crib, and I went out to the living room to read and type this up, watching her through our video monitor.

So, I've had a lot on my mind, with work (mine and Al's), living arrangements, my own emotional/mental state. And it's been pretty demotivating-when my mind is racing and jumbling around, I don't really feel like writing, or exercising, or making plans. Plus with my phone out of commission, the number of people I can call is limited to local numbers, and it feels weird not to be texting.

Anyway, so I've gone back in my head on how I Could Have Done Things Differently-which also includes choosing college majors, trying out for volleyball in h.s., and two million other things. And then I'm constantly praying for this to happen, or that, and then while trying to fall asleep earlier, my prayer went from the usual to spontaneously going, "I give up. You do what you think is best, and I'll live with it." And felt better, although it still took a minute for sleep to come.

It's funny, because I don't think that has ever happened to me, at least without some huge crisis going on in my life. Or personal drama. And I am a believer in "God helps those who help themselves," definitely. I do not think He is one to say, "You should just lay like a bump and not put any effort in your life, for lo, I will magic everything for you." But I do think I tend to second-guess and try to steer the prayer, i.e.-"It is up to you, God, but I really think you should go this way, honestly." So, maybe, this last prayer is a step to actually having some trust that he's not going to keep our little family in an uncertain future anymore than I'd let my daughter stay cold and wet. Speaking of, this video is so clear, I actually saw her eyes open, look around, and close from the other side of the house.