This morning around 2 I discovered our child had wet her bed.
I had been half-awake before that, listening to her noises. Bella laughs, grunts, and cries in her sleep. I rarely sleep deeply as it is, since I'm continuously paranoid about SIDS, so I've learned to listen for the difference between her sleeping and when she's awake and about to yell for attention. At that time I'll change and feed her for a bit before she's passed out again.
This time, I noticed her hands were cold. Well. I usually have her in long pajamas, and this time she was only in a short onesie and blanket, so that was on me. I grabbed her long kitten pjs, laid them out on the bed and picked her up. And found she was soaked from her back down.
Well, slight change of plans there. I changed her, gave her a quick sponge bath, and nursed her before putting her long johns on. Then it was the swing to rock her to sleep while I stripped and wiped down the crib mattress and remade it. About a half hour ago she was sound asleep and snuggled warmly in her crib, and I went out to the living room to read and type this up, watching her through our video monitor.
So, I've had a lot on my mind, with work (mine and Al's), living arrangements, my own emotional/mental state. And it's been pretty demotivating-when my mind is racing and jumbling around, I don't really feel like writing, or exercising, or making plans. Plus with my phone out of commission, the number of people I can call is limited to local numbers, and it feels weird not to be texting.
Anyway, so I've gone back in my head on how I Could Have Done Things Differently-which also includes choosing college majors, trying out for volleyball in h.s., and two million other things. And then I'm constantly praying for this to happen, or that, and then while trying to fall asleep earlier, my prayer went from the usual to spontaneously going, "I give up. You do what you think is best, and I'll live with it." And felt better, although it still took a minute for sleep to come.
It's funny, because I don't think that has ever happened to me, at least without some huge crisis going on in my life. Or personal drama. And I am a believer in "God helps those who help themselves," definitely. I do not think He is one to say, "You should just lay like a bump and not put any effort in your life, for lo, I will magic everything for you." But I do think I tend to second-guess and try to steer the prayer, i.e.-"It is up to you, God, but I really think you should go this way, honestly." So, maybe, this last prayer is a step to actually having some trust that he's not going to keep our little family in an uncertain future anymore than I'd let my daughter stay cold and wet. Speaking of, this video is so clear, I actually saw her eyes open, look around, and close from the other side of the house.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
(A Lack of) Energy
It started out so promising. I dropped my pregnancy weight, and was well on my way to losing more.
Fast forward a month. I've become a slug, watching TV and keeping my fake farm in better shape than myself. I'm very lazy in what I eat, I don't drink enough water, and while I look at the exercise videos and have every intention of DOING them, just the thought makes me want to go back to bed.
Breastfeeding has gotten easier with her, thankfully. I don't have to use the shields, she latches on now like a pro, and we do about an hour more or less including breaks for burping and relaxing.
I wish I could say I am just sooo busy at home, but honestly I only really have our bedroom and the bathroom (once a week) to take care of. I'll help with dishes and pick up, but it's not like I have a whole house to take care of. Or a job. So why do I find it so hard to get up and do anything?
I just get down a lot, and it's hard for me to be motivated when I'm like that. I know the best thing to do is just get up and force myself, but it's hard to do that everyday. I can barely do once a week; even three times right now would be a miracle.
I don't like feeling this way. Being lazy makes me cranky and I tend to want to stay in my hole even more, just mainlining Real Housewives/Basketball Wives/You're Cut Off! marathons, reading other people's cleverness, and hiding with the baby. And I'm sure her recent fussiness has something to do with that more than anything else.
I hope I can get out of this funk and do it soon.
Fast forward a month. I've become a slug, watching TV and keeping my fake farm in better shape than myself. I'm very lazy in what I eat, I don't drink enough water, and while I look at the exercise videos and have every intention of DOING them, just the thought makes me want to go back to bed.
Breastfeeding has gotten easier with her, thankfully. I don't have to use the shields, she latches on now like a pro, and we do about an hour more or less including breaks for burping and relaxing.
I wish I could say I am just sooo busy at home, but honestly I only really have our bedroom and the bathroom (once a week) to take care of. I'll help with dishes and pick up, but it's not like I have a whole house to take care of. Or a job. So why do I find it so hard to get up and do anything?
I just get down a lot, and it's hard for me to be motivated when I'm like that. I know the best thing to do is just get up and force myself, but it's hard to do that everyday. I can barely do once a week; even three times right now would be a miracle.
I don't like feeling this way. Being lazy makes me cranky and I tend to want to stay in my hole even more, just mainlining Real Housewives/Basketball Wives/You're Cut Off! marathons, reading other people's cleverness, and hiding with the baby. And I'm sure her recent fussiness has something to do with that more than anything else.
I hope I can get out of this funk and do it soon.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Month of Milestones
On Sunday Bella reached her one-month date! And on Monday she got her first shot. Since birth, she's grown four inches and gained almost three pounds. She's also gone on a road trip, celebrated Christmas and New Year's, met all her great-grandparents, dealt with jaundice, blocked tear ducts and her mom's general clumsiness, went to Cradle Roll class at my mom's church, and has started to sleep at four hour stretches, just enough for me to start entering Deep Sleep mode riiiiight before she wakes up hungry again.
And for me? Well, I've been learning more patience. And biting my tongue. And I'm still learning how to nurse. I've learned that if she's already crying, you might as well do the diaper and clothing changes that also make her cry, just to get it out of the way. I'm learning there's a different cry for every annoyance, from "I'm hungry," to "You didn't feed me enough, dummy," to just, "Hold me." I've found you can go from extreme annoyance and helplessness to contentment with one smile or quiet moment that lets you know you did right.
I'm so happy that we do have family to help. Thanks to them, I can nap or eat without interruption. Plus, my mom also finished our laundry last night while I slept for almost five hours. That is a great feeling.
I know that, as achievements go, we've only just started the marathon. And now, I hear her stirring again, so I'm signing off till next naptime.
And for me? Well, I've been learning more patience. And biting my tongue. And I'm still learning how to nurse. I've learned that if she's already crying, you might as well do the diaper and clothing changes that also make her cry, just to get it out of the way. I'm learning there's a different cry for every annoyance, from "I'm hungry," to "You didn't feed me enough, dummy," to just, "Hold me." I've found you can go from extreme annoyance and helplessness to contentment with one smile or quiet moment that lets you know you did right.
I'm so happy that we do have family to help. Thanks to them, I can nap or eat without interruption. Plus, my mom also finished our laundry last night while I slept for almost five hours. That is a great feeling.
I know that, as achievements go, we've only just started the marathon. And now, I hear her stirring again, so I'm signing off till next naptime.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Well, one of my resolutions was to work more on my writing, but honestly, I haven't been very good at keeping it so far.
Not that I haven't wanted too-but-there's Christmas, and feeding, and doctor's appointments, and more feedings, and late-night wake up, screaming and more feedings, and trying to clean and eat and bathe and sleep in between, plus we went on a 5-day road trip to Brunswick GA, Savannah, and Ocala, FL to meet family and friends, and I just now got everything almost in order again.
Today's actually the first day I feel rested; mostly because I fell asleep around 8 or 9 am and didn't get up until noon. Wait no; it was 1 pm. I don't know why sleeping on the couch feels so good, but honestly I think it trumps the bed sometimes.
Of course we've shot hundreds of photos and video of our daughter, which I make sure to post regularly. Right now she is sleeping in half of her monkey outfit, storing her energy for 2 am, where she will scream for about 30 minutes non-stop, refusing to be comforted. Then, when it seems all is hopeless, she will finally accept the nursing/bottle/rocking that we have tried over and over. And all our frustration will be temporarily forgotten.
Anyway, this was just a quick note. I do have definite posts in mind, and will be adding them now that the holidays are over and we have no more trips planned for now.
Not that I haven't wanted too-but-there's Christmas, and feeding, and doctor's appointments, and more feedings, and late-night wake up, screaming and more feedings, and trying to clean and eat and bathe and sleep in between, plus we went on a 5-day road trip to Brunswick GA, Savannah, and Ocala, FL to meet family and friends, and I just now got everything almost in order again.
Today's actually the first day I feel rested; mostly because I fell asleep around 8 or 9 am and didn't get up until noon. Wait no; it was 1 pm. I don't know why sleeping on the couch feels so good, but honestly I think it trumps the bed sometimes.
Of course we've shot hundreds of photos and video of our daughter, which I make sure to post regularly. Right now she is sleeping in half of her monkey outfit, storing her energy for 2 am, where she will scream for about 30 minutes non-stop, refusing to be comforted. Then, when it seems all is hopeless, she will finally accept the nursing/bottle/rocking that we have tried over and over. And all our frustration will be temporarily forgotten.
Anyway, this was just a quick note. I do have definite posts in mind, and will be adding them now that the holidays are over and we have no more trips planned for now.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
One Week Later....
What a time. The actual slice-you-open-take-out-baby is only like 15 or 20 minutes, but everything before and after can take a couple of hours. For a 10:30 C-Section appointment we had to be there at 8:30. Which we were a bit late coming in. Then we went into the wrong part of the hospital (Main Lobby) instead of Outpatient, where we would have NOT been told to go to Same Day Surgery instead of Labor and Delivery. Luckily they were on the same floor, and Al went downstairs to register me properly as I started prep.
There was blood work, the same question asked by threefourfive different people, and of course hospital gowns and socks in dull colors. Our first nurse had fleur-de-lis earrings, necklace charm, and tattoos. no, she wasn't a Saints fan, but she was a huge Francophile. As we chatted, she told me that she was finally taking her dream vacation in two years, on her 25th anniversary. How awesome is that? Although she looks really young to be having a 25th anniversary.
Okay, so C-section. You have to be shaved-not fully-but let's say, low-cut bikini bottom. You get a spinal injection, which numbs you from your boobs down, so you feel absolutely no pain. You get morphine, pitocin, and to start, what they call "IV Gatorade" to hydrate you, because you haven't eaten or drank anything since midnight. You are cold cold cold. You get to pick what music plays during delivery. I had joked about Rick Ross, but in the end I couldn't make up my mind, so we just did Today's Hits. Honestly, I didn't care or I probably would have made my own playlist. As it was, my operation started with Nelly's "Just a Dream," had a bunch of Lady Gaga, one Katy Perry, some other band I can't remember, and Anna Bella was born during a Lady Gaga song (there was seriously like 4 songs by her).
Al was kept out of the room right up until they were almost ready to pull her out. The whole time, I felt tugging, but nothing else. The drugs and injections work niiiiiice. Al was all geared out in O.R. scrubs and covered from his head to his feet. He had his mask on inside out. I had tubes coming out of my nose.
You are put in a Jesus Christ pose, which means I had Soundgarden in my head for a few minutes. I didn't request them, because I really didn't want to take the chance on Black Hole Sun playing when she emerged. No weirdzo faces, thank you.
Al sat with me and held my hand, up until the doctor said, "Okay Dad, get ready!" When he stood up I saw him blanch a bit. Which, you would expect, since my insides were out. Then there was nothing, nothing, and-a baby crying!
I don't think I've ever had a reaction like this, so fast, but as soon as I heard her cry, I lost it. I started crying and laughing, and all I could say was, "We did it."
Anna Bella Rosa came out 18 inches long, 5 lbs, 14 oz, and vocal for about an hour. She was also constantly kicking, so we're definitely thinking soccer player or maybe modern dance. She is pretty much the most perfect baby ever, and even the doctors were surprised on how healthy she is for an IUGR baby.
We both spent about an hour in recovery, where she was put under a warming lamp and had all her signs checked, and I was just resting. We had one funny moment when the nurse put her in my arms and tried to raise the bed to a sitting position. Instead we both went backwards. Her eyes got huge, but I think she liked it, since it was one of the few times she wasn't crying. I also got to breast feed her for the first time. That and the additional one on the way up to Mother and Baby were my only successful times. The whole while, I couldn't stop looking. She has so much hair!
There was blood work, the same question asked by threefourfive different people, and of course hospital gowns and socks in dull colors. Our first nurse had fleur-de-lis earrings, necklace charm, and tattoos. no, she wasn't a Saints fan, but she was a huge Francophile. As we chatted, she told me that she was finally taking her dream vacation in two years, on her 25th anniversary. How awesome is that? Although she looks really young to be having a 25th anniversary.
Okay, so C-section. You have to be shaved-not fully-but let's say, low-cut bikini bottom. You get a spinal injection, which numbs you from your boobs down, so you feel absolutely no pain. You get morphine, pitocin, and to start, what they call "IV Gatorade" to hydrate you, because you haven't eaten or drank anything since midnight. You are cold cold cold. You get to pick what music plays during delivery. I had joked about Rick Ross, but in the end I couldn't make up my mind, so we just did Today's Hits. Honestly, I didn't care or I probably would have made my own playlist. As it was, my operation started with Nelly's "Just a Dream," had a bunch of Lady Gaga, one Katy Perry, some other band I can't remember, and Anna Bella was born during a Lady Gaga song (there was seriously like 4 songs by her).
Al was kept out of the room right up until they were almost ready to pull her out. The whole time, I felt tugging, but nothing else. The drugs and injections work niiiiiice. Al was all geared out in O.R. scrubs and covered from his head to his feet. He had his mask on inside out. I had tubes coming out of my nose.
You are put in a Jesus Christ pose, which means I had Soundgarden in my head for a few minutes. I didn't request them, because I really didn't want to take the chance on Black Hole Sun playing when she emerged. No weirdzo faces, thank you.
Al sat with me and held my hand, up until the doctor said, "Okay Dad, get ready!" When he stood up I saw him blanch a bit. Which, you would expect, since my insides were out. Then there was nothing, nothing, and-a baby crying!
I don't think I've ever had a reaction like this, so fast, but as soon as I heard her cry, I lost it. I started crying and laughing, and all I could say was, "We did it."
Anna Bella Rosa came out 18 inches long, 5 lbs, 14 oz, and vocal for about an hour. She was also constantly kicking, so we're definitely thinking soccer player or maybe modern dance. She is pretty much the most perfect baby ever, and even the doctors were surprised on how healthy she is for an IUGR baby.
We both spent about an hour in recovery, where she was put under a warming lamp and had all her signs checked, and I was just resting. We had one funny moment when the nurse put her in my arms and tried to raise the bed to a sitting position. Instead we both went backwards. Her eyes got huge, but I think she liked it, since it was one of the few times she wasn't crying. I also got to breast feed her for the first time. That and the additional one on the way up to Mother and Baby were my only successful times. The whole while, I couldn't stop looking. She has so much hair!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
D-Day
We went to our perinatal physician yesterday. Afterwards, we planned on doing some shopping for the children (and me), then P.F. Changs, and then our birthing class.
What happened was that the doctor became concerned when he saw our baby hadn't even gained a full pound since we saw him before Thanksgiving, and had basically stopped growing. He suggested delivery, faxed our papers to our OB, and told us to call the OB within 20 minutes.
We weren't too concerned, because she's been a small baby all along, and figured we'd just call the doctor on our way to the mall. After all, we had a sonogram appointment with him the next day, so maybe everything was getting blown out of proportion.
Well, our doctor called US and told us to come over. We did, and he told us their concern. The baby should be gaining a half pound a week, which would have brought her up to a little over 6 pounds by now. As it is, she is barely over 5. They felt it was better to have her come now then wait the two weeks, as a lack of growth could indicate she's not getting the nutrients and oxygen she needs from the placenta, which could lead to a stillbirth. This is actually something the specialists have warned us, but still. We really didn't expect that this could actually happen.
So, my plan of all natural (except for epidural)birth is out the window, but I'd rather have this then risk something going wrong with the baby because I wanted to be stubborn and insist that my way was better.
It's pretty scary, but on the bright side, my sister and stepson's mom have both been through this, and the latter had really good advice and words of wisdom. It made me feel a little better. Plus, apparently it's going to be a full house in the waiting room, which is a wonderful sign of support.
I'm sad that she probably won't be next to me in the room. Since she's coming two weeks early, I'm sure they'll have her in an incubator the couple of days we'll be there.
I also haven't revised my birth plan, but I think the only thing I want to make sure of now is that her name is spelled right and she has all her fingers, toes and organs.
What happened was that the doctor became concerned when he saw our baby hadn't even gained a full pound since we saw him before Thanksgiving, and had basically stopped growing. He suggested delivery, faxed our papers to our OB, and told us to call the OB within 20 minutes.
We weren't too concerned, because she's been a small baby all along, and figured we'd just call the doctor on our way to the mall. After all, we had a sonogram appointment with him the next day, so maybe everything was getting blown out of proportion.
Well, our doctor called US and told us to come over. We did, and he told us their concern. The baby should be gaining a half pound a week, which would have brought her up to a little over 6 pounds by now. As it is, she is barely over 5. They felt it was better to have her come now then wait the two weeks, as a lack of growth could indicate she's not getting the nutrients and oxygen she needs from the placenta, which could lead to a stillbirth. This is actually something the specialists have warned us, but still. We really didn't expect that this could actually happen.
So, my plan of all natural (except for epidural)birth is out the window, but I'd rather have this then risk something going wrong with the baby because I wanted to be stubborn and insist that my way was better.
It's pretty scary, but on the bright side, my sister and stepson's mom have both been through this, and the latter had really good advice and words of wisdom. It made me feel a little better. Plus, apparently it's going to be a full house in the waiting room, which is a wonderful sign of support.
I'm sad that she probably won't be next to me in the room. Since she's coming two weeks early, I'm sure they'll have her in an incubator the couple of days we'll be there.
I also haven't revised my birth plan, but I think the only thing I want to make sure of now is that her name is spelled right and she has all her fingers, toes and organs.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
16 Days
Now that the due date's coming closer, I've been wondering when that nesting instinct is supposed to kick in. According to my friends, the last stretch the mom-to-be is obsessively cleaning, organizing, and decorating. Now, I clean, keep up with the laundry, and have gotten part of my bag for the hospital ready, but really, this is all I feel like doing:
I've also been trying to make money doing online work. While fun, it's not really bringing in the cash. However, I don't know if it's the place, or just me. Supposedly, you can make $100 a week. Not a lot, but it's taken me 5 days to make almost ten dollars, so something isn't working here. It's too bad, because I was hoping to make money for the holidays, but that's not going to happen.
I do like our new room. I didn't want to switch with my sister; she had just reorganized her room and now that she's in our smaller one, she can't play her Kinect. I have to say, though, that we do have a lot more space. I don't trip over wires because they are actually out of the way. We can easily fit in a Moses basket or bassinet. Plus, when I make the bed, I can move the pillows without risking stepping on them because the only place to put them is on the floor.
The best part? There is now a table and chair for my laptop, which means I don't have to sit on the bed and then lean over to read my screen. My back is very grateful for that.
Okay, physically...well, it takes longer for me to get out of bed. I haven't had any weird dreams about giving birth to a litter of kittens or puppies or piglets, but I have very vivid dreams which put me in an almost coma-like state. Until I wake up to adjust my belly. My pelvic area is sore because apparently that whole area is stretching and widening for the baby, which means even the tiniest stretch or plie hurts. Of course back, but it's actually not been as bad. Once again, it must be the new seating arrangements.
And the Braxton-Hicks. Thank you Jesus that I only get them once a day or so. Because these things HURT. Like, take your breath away, blood leaving face hurt. The best thing I found is to make yourself get up and walk until the pain is gone. Unless we're in bed, then I squeeze Al's hand until it feels better.
AnnaBella still moves around. We hope we can catch her yawning or doing something again when we go to the specialist tomorrow. Then there's a 3-hour maternity class we take at the hospital that night. Then I have a sonogram scheduled Thursday morning. You get a lot of doctor's visits this last month or so. We started a bit late because of the Medicaid nightmare red tape issue we went through when we moved, but all signs are healthy.
Okay, I'm signing off for now to do makeup. See? That's really what's been on my head. And I have two trashy shows in the background going on. I'm completely hopeless, I tell ya.
- Drink decaf pumpkin lattes OR hot chocolate with whipped cream (an indulgence I wholeheartedly embrace now)
- Play with makeup
- Read my sister's old Cosmos and trashy novels/chick lit/book recommendations from the library
- Watch all my real housewives/jersey/vh1 Celebreality shows
- Sleep
- Eat cookies
I've also been trying to make money doing online work. While fun, it's not really bringing in the cash. However, I don't know if it's the place, or just me. Supposedly, you can make $100 a week. Not a lot, but it's taken me 5 days to make almost ten dollars, so something isn't working here. It's too bad, because I was hoping to make money for the holidays, but that's not going to happen.
I do like our new room. I didn't want to switch with my sister; she had just reorganized her room and now that she's in our smaller one, she can't play her Kinect. I have to say, though, that we do have a lot more space. I don't trip over wires because they are actually out of the way. We can easily fit in a Moses basket or bassinet. Plus, when I make the bed, I can move the pillows without risking stepping on them because the only place to put them is on the floor.
The best part? There is now a table and chair for my laptop, which means I don't have to sit on the bed and then lean over to read my screen. My back is very grateful for that.
Okay, physically...well, it takes longer for me to get out of bed. I haven't had any weird dreams about giving birth to a litter of kittens or puppies or piglets, but I have very vivid dreams which put me in an almost coma-like state. Until I wake up to adjust my belly. My pelvic area is sore because apparently that whole area is stretching and widening for the baby, which means even the tiniest stretch or plie hurts. Of course back, but it's actually not been as bad. Once again, it must be the new seating arrangements.
And the Braxton-Hicks. Thank you Jesus that I only get them once a day or so. Because these things HURT. Like, take your breath away, blood leaving face hurt. The best thing I found is to make yourself get up and walk until the pain is gone. Unless we're in bed, then I squeeze Al's hand until it feels better.
AnnaBella still moves around. We hope we can catch her yawning or doing something again when we go to the specialist tomorrow. Then there's a 3-hour maternity class we take at the hospital that night. Then I have a sonogram scheduled Thursday morning. You get a lot of doctor's visits this last month or so. We started a bit late because of the Medicaid nightmare red tape issue we went through when we moved, but all signs are healthy.
Okay, I'm signing off for now to do makeup. See? That's really what's been on my head. And I have two trashy shows in the background going on. I'm completely hopeless, I tell ya.
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